The true reflection in the waters below!

Narc-Attack

Once upon a time in Italy, there was a writer named Ovid. Shameless fellow really, he plagiarised the old Greek texts, something rotten. But he also wrote a few good things himself. One of his most famous tales was about Narcissus. This young dude was to manhood what the chocolate éclair is to pastries – drool. Square jawed, ripped six pack and he had some major BDE to boot (big dick energy). Literally everyone who saw him was instantly attracted to him. Unfortunately, neither guys nor dolls were his thing. Long story short – he fell in love with his own reflection and eventually died from toxic self-love … allegedly (the autopsy results were never actually released). The little yellow flower called a narcissus is named in his honour. Also named after him (somewhat less flatteringly) is one of the most repellent personality disorders of recent decades – Narcissism! 

Let’s be honest – the world has already faced its share of pandemics since 2000: West Nile virus, bird flu, Ebola and even COVID-19. But Narcissism [cue thunder-clap sound] may require Dr Anthony Fauci to come out of retirement, or someone should just clone him. The key source of the “Narc contagion” seems to be family homes. Investigators already say that there may be some parallels with the historical case of Mary Mallon, aka Typhoid Mary – the overbearing, motherly, Irish lass who slaved away in her kitchen. It took five able-bodied policemen to arrest good ole Mary – that’s mother love for ya!!  

Symptoms of narcissism include an exaggerated sense of self-importance, an insatiable need for admiration, and a very exploitative nature. Rashes caused by STDs are also quite common. Qualified psychologists rely upon the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 handbook to pinpoint a true narcissist.  

However – let’s be totally honest here – this will just slow you down when you’re insulting an ex-lover, or the boss who has just sacked you!  

“Do you know what you are … HUH? … you’re a goddamn NARCISSIST!”

Indeed, vocabulary is key in these cases. Rewind to 1938, when Patrick Hamilton wrote a quaint little play called Gaslight. It’s about a secret killer who tries to drive his wife utterly insane using various psychological tricks. He’s after her money (duh). Gaslighting soon became one of the first major terms linked to narcissistic personality disorder.  

Between Ovid and Hamilton, one may begin to feel that narcissists are fictional creatures. Well, they are in a sense because they present an image that is quite false. Luckily, knowing some of the key terms will flush out the narcissist in your life.  

Red Flags

Love-bombing: Think on the scale of Nagasaki, but you’ll be nuked with the sort of compliments that nobody else has ever given you. Also, like the bombing of Japan’s 2^nd city – you’re not the first to receive this shower of sh*t.

Hoovering: A pastime that doesn’t actually require a Dyson. No, it’s more like hooking a fish, releasing it and then recatching it with new bait (fun!). P.S. You’re the fish.  

The Scapegoat: Does exactly what it says on the tin – you’ll be blamed for everything, every time. 

Going Grey-Rock: You’ve had enough already, and now you reply with monotone, monosyllabic answers. You may begin to gender your partner as IT.  

Warning – Everyone from presidents to pre-school teachers is being called a Narc these days. It’s like calling everyone crazy until a guy with really intense eyes chases you with a blood-stained axe. The moral of the tale is that overuse reduces a word’s impact. So, let’s just give the word “narcissist” a little respect, shall we? 

[Emergency kit]

However, if one of your eyes has developed a twitch and you’re starting most days with a vodka and a cry, then you’re totally allowed to quote Aretha Franklin as follows.  

“I ain’t no psychiatrist, I ain’t no doctor with degrees
But, it don’t take too much high IQ’s
To see what you’re doing to me.”

*Removing the narcissist from your life may require a divorce, a court order, bankruptcy, a mental breakdown, a shot of penicillin, and a great big hug from a friend. 

© K. Bythesea 2025.