A Triple Papal Blessing

A Papal Blessing is something really very special. Issued free of charge [but donations are kindly accepted], this beautiful, parchment document is available to all currently practising, bone fide Catholics who are celebrating a special occasion. Much like a four leaf clover, horseshoe or rabbit’s foot, the blessing will be a lucky charm you’ll truly treasure.

On the recent death of our last pope, it was discovered by a Vatican clerical officer (a priest with a computer) that there is a drawer full of dusty, old Papal Blessings. These pre-signed parchments are ready to be issued now. Yes, these are blessings from former Popes such as Francis I, Benedict XVI, and even John Paul II.

In the old days, the church sold issued what were known as indulgences. These blessings would wipe clean your history of sin so that you didn’t have to fear the scorching fires of Hell. Oh, how times have changed!

The blessings of multiple popes will give you a warm fuzzy internal feeling, much like the pharmaceutical milkshake prescribed by dodgy physicians, but it’s unlikely to wash clean your eternal soul. Nevertheless, it’s a a prestige gift for you or your loved one.

Papal Blessing Procedure:

The requester’s details will be printed onto the document using a World War II era Corona typewriter (missing the Z). Your kind donation, if any, will be commented on by a grumpy, sarcastic nun. She thinks Woke is the past tense for waking up. The parchment will be placed in an envelope and enthusiastically licked by a sexually frustrated Swiss Guard who sports a permanent erection. The post will then be brought to the Vatican Post Office (Poste Vaticane) by Sister Hélène who’s mildly demented, but she has good days too.

God bless!

Addendum

No blessings will be issued to heathens, gays, gender outlaws, or pets! Please think more along the lines of big birthdays, Holy Communions or stable, long-lasting heterosexual marriages. Before you ask – YES – God says the Vatican is allowed to discriminate.

To our dismay, old Papal Blessings are currently being sold on eBay (indeed!). But, these were issued to other people and the present-day sellers will likely meet Satan sooner than they’d prefer.

Donations made by cheque will be cashed at the Vatican Bank (Banca absurda)– there will be no record of these transactions (exaggerated wink).

© K. Bythesea 2025.